It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
