Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
from now on my penis is your penis
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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