You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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