he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
