too bad you live with your parents still
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
