so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
