Plan B is the new Plan A
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
