am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
