I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
