Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
