good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
