I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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