my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
