There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
