The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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