Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
