how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
