theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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