guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize