my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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