chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Randomize