omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
two words: eviction party
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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