The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
