It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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