Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
