I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I've blown a few things in my day
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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