If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
