last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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