Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
