How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
