life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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