Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
