I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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