It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
