she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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