Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
