There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
