i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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