Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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