If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
