four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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