Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
