I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
