People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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