Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
