I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
