3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
