Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
