apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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