I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
