All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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