Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
