go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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