I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
