I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
