Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just want nice things and good sex
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
