Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
