My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
