I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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