if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
